Mom Friends…The Mythical Unicorn

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Today’s topic is pretty exciting. We’re going to be talking about that elusive creature known as the mom friend. From the day you find out you’re pregnant you’re going to start to hearing about all these things you’ll need. Baby carrier, crib, Boppy, Bumbo, nipple cream, carseat, diapers (oh good lord the amount of diapers). The list goes on. What nobody tells you is just how much you’re going to need a friend. Motherhood is hard and confusing and you need to make sure you have someone you can talk to about all of it. A good mom friend is your most valuable asset in this motherhood gig. Now I’m pretty lucky because I have two. Also, unlucky as shit because one of them is on the other side of country. You know who you are boo.
One is old. Our friendship predates my trek into motherhood. She was in my corner before I ever saw those two pink lines. She’s been there for fertility treatments and false pregnancy tests and talks about bodily fluids most of you would rather not hear about. We have long since passed the TMI barrier. We’ve been pregnant together twice and have talked about more bodily functions than I ever thought possible. This badass mama knows more personal details about my life than just about anyone. She’s been my cheerleader and shoulder to cry on. She’s single-handedly gotten me through breastfeeding. I know I can text this girl at midnight with a panicked question about nipples or discharge and get a completely non-judgmental “OMG girl, totally normal” to quell my fears.
The other one is newer. We live five minutes from each other and have kids the same age. You want to talk about elusive creatures? That is like finding a unicorn my friend. She answered one of my questions in a facebook mom group and we’ve been going strong since. Whether it’s a girl’s day out, a nice kid free dinner or a trip to Costco with the kids in tow. This is the girl to call. We can bitch about our children with no judgement. The fact that this chick hasn’t left me for the sheer amount of times I’ve openly referred to my children as assholes should be a sign. She’s my play date mom. I don’t have to worry about apologizing for a messy house or when my kid (inevitably) throws a tantrum. Because she knows. She knows my kid’s quirks and she knows what obstacles we’re currently working on. She’s also got two toddlers of her own. So I know when I text her at five a.m. saying how awful my day already is, she gets it. Sometimes she even brings me coffee.
Motherhood is hard. So fucking hard. There are days when I feel like I’m on an island by myself. Completely secluded from the outside world. Nobody warns you how lonely it can be. That’s the darker side that nobody really talks about. Having that ride or die (to Costco) friend is going to make it easier. Dare I say enjoyable?
If you’re not there yet, don’t worry. Your special someone is out there. (No, I’m not talking about your significant other.) You just need to put yourself out there. Join groups, talk to other moms at school, hang out in the diaper aisle, stalk the pregnancy test aisle and wait until you see a cool chick that you think you can hit it off with. Okay, maybe not that last one.
I know it’s intimidating but try not to think too hard. Don’t worry that every mom out there is going to judge you because you think you’re doing it all wrong. Here’s a secret. We all feel like that. That “perfect” mom at the playground who’s passing out “perfect” snacks to her “perfect” kids? The one you think is judging you because your three year old who’s still in diapers is eating leftover Cheetos from your bag. She thinks you’re judging her because she was checking her phone while her kids were playing on the swings.
Next time, don’t avoid eye contact. Strike up a conversation. Sure, it might be awkward for a few minutes. You may never see her again. Or maybe, just maybe, six months from now you’ll be texting her a question about poop.

Because she’s your mom friend. Your tribe. Your unicorn.

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Ten Reasons I haven’t Strangled You Yet (a declaration of love)

I was feeling a bit uninspired today. Unfortunately I promised myself (and my sister) that I’d be making a new entry today. I even wrote a reminder on a post-it note. That’s pretty much iron clad. So when I was whining about this lack of inspiration to my hubby, he selflessly suggested I write about how much I love him.

Alright babe. You asked for it. Here goes.

Things I love about my husband

1. You do the dishes. Without me asking! Now this may not seem like a big deal to you Joseph but trust me on this. It’s huge. I’ll take an empty dishwasher over flowers any day. Now that is romance.
2. You really don’t care if I slum around all weekend in my sweats. Somehow you still find this attractive. Fuzzy legs, no make-up, sweatpants. It makes no difference. Thanks for setting that bar low babe. 😉
3. You enjoy doing nothing with me. A nice night out, a netflix marathon, a day at home with our kids. It doesn’t matter. I love that you consider eating leftover donuts together after our kids go to bed a romantic evening. Which kind of goes with number four…
4. You are easy to please. It doesn’t take much. You are genuinely a happy person. That’s a rare quality and I think it’s one of my favorite things about you.
5. You’re an amazing dad. You don’t see parental roles/duties as Mom vs. Dad. You’re just there and I appreciate that.
6. Sex. I won’t go into too much detail because I’ve got moms, siblings, aunts, friends reading this and don’t care to scar them for life. I’ll just say that I love doing ya. 😉
7. You give zero fucks. As someone who cares entirely too much it can be challenging at times to be married to such an extrovert. Still, it’s something I admire in you.
8. You make a mean scrambled egg. Seriously, why don’t you do this more often? Can I put in a request for some breakfast in bed?
9. Your butt.
10. You put up with my shit. And truth be told there’s a lot of shit.

Now marriage isn’t all unicorns and rainbows. It can get ugly. So let me take a minute to be real. Here are some things that drive me effing crazy.

1. You poop with the door open. Why do you do this? Our vows were in sickness and health. Not “while you’re pooping”. This leads me to number two (pun intended).
2. For some reason you think that the best time to discuss important matters with me is while I’m pooping. No. Just stop. Furthermore, you seem to have passed this trait on to our children. So thanks for that.
3. You have kept every single electric plug to every single electronic we have ever owned. You do realize that any new electronic we buy will come with it’s own cord??
4. This one may seem silly but bare with me. You microwave hot dogs. Im not nit-picking here. This is just gross.
5. EAT A FREAKING VEGETABLE.
6. Your taste in tv shows and movies. I mean how many movies can I watch about Bruce Lee before I lose my mind? One. The Answer is one. Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story. That is not however an admission that I actually like the movie. That will never happen.
7. Let’s go back to the topic of poop. Do you expect me to believe it really takes you twenty plus minutes to unload? No sir. I know you’re in there playing on your phone. The gig is up.
8. You’re a hoarder. Yeah. I said it. YOU. ARE. A. HOARDER. Start throwing shit away before someone calls A&E.
9. I hate your cat. Ok, so maybe I’m running out of steam and just being petty but that little furry bastard is a jerk.

So there it is. Just a few of the reasons that I want to strangle love you.

You are the peanut butter to my jelly. The cheese to my macaroni. The reason I may end up getting five to ten. ❤

Confessions of an Okay Mom

So, this is my blog. It’s 2018 and I’m trying new things. If you couldn’t tell by the date, I am a bit of a procrastinator.

Tiffany on December 31st 2017: “I should kick off 2018 with a blog. I’m witty and I have loads to say to the world.”
Tiffany on January 1st 2018: “Let’s binge watch SVU and play Candy Crush.”

You know, you never quite realize just how uninteresting your life is until you have to…

***Author’s note. This is how far I got into my first entry before my husband yelled from the other room that there was a level four poop emergency. The type of poop emergency that involves a fully dressed kid tossed in the shower and an entire container of Clorox wipes.***

…and I’m back. Before the interruption I was about to (awkwardly) try to introduce myself. I suppose that about sums me up though. I’m a mom. I’ve got three amazing kids, albeit a little obnoxious from time to time. Yeah, I said it. They’re obnoxious. There’s the twins, Jamie and Wyatt. Who after years of fertility issues were our blessings. Yes. They’re still obnoxious. Though at three years old, isn’t that kind of their whole purpose in life? Then there’s my baby girl. Lily Jo. At just over a year old she is giving her brothers a run for their money. Somedays I have to double check and make sure there aren’t little horns hiding under that hair.
I hate to be one of those moms who sum up their life by talking about their kids. It’s the one piece of advice I try to give my mom friends. Don’t let your kids define you. Raise your hand if you’re a hypocrite. *raises hand* Right now my kids are my life. And that’s ok. I’m ok with that. I know someday soon(when they can wipe their own ass) I’ll have a little more time to be me. I look forward to that day. For now I’m just living life to the fullest…during naptime. Watching too much Netflix, enjoying the comfort of stretch pants and stealing my kid’s snacks. I mean, can we all just agree that fruit snacks are delicious??
So that’s me in a nutshell. I’m an ok mom. A witty conversationalist…ok, I’m a smartass. A mediocre homemaker. An unextraordinary crafter. A wannabe HGTV DIYer. I have a penchant for run-on sentences. Oh, and I make a damn good cinnamon roll. Future blog post idea, maybe?

These are my confessions.